Lynchburg Lemonade

Palin / Hillary Open

2008-09-14T19:08:46Z

Me and my commonwealth

2008-07-20T00:49:11Z

Ok so my job isn't the greatest. admittedly it's not what I expected to be doing when I graduated college. It's not challenging enough but I love the people and I love all the random holidays off we get. Well there's something else to add to the plus column. I had to go into the hospital and was in for several days, four to be exact. I just got a notice from my medical insurance company explaining what I may possible owe. Normally I'm annoyed by these. This one I'm going to frame. I've never in my life fully understood how important having medical benefits is. I mean I have but I've never fully appreciated them. I want to scream it from my front porch-closest thing I have to a roof top. All I had to pay was the copay of a measly 300 dollars. that's it folks. granted that's not a piddly drop in the bucket but I've got it at ths point. thanks to my bonus from block i'm good. it's actually already paid. I am so freaking happy about this I can't even begin to explain I was figuring I would be paying on this until about the same time as my student loan. Ok so anyway . . the state of virginia and I . . I've decided I love him/her it. . whatever I'm in love. I'll sit and answer the crappy phones with the dumb stupid people. and I'll even do it with a stupid happy grin on my face now. The amount of the bill the health insurance covered is like.. almost a third of my salary. yeah. .ok so I'm going to stop going on about this now. .

oh and let me just say i'm still having issues with my contacts and now I've noticed it's both eyes but the one I can handle. . but the other is like going in and out of focus and blurry. . geez. back to the glasses for me. .oh and there was something else. hmm. nope all i got for now.

needle smeedle

2008-06-24T22:43:39Z

ok so today was my first day I had to give myself an injection to get thru the day. not pleasant. I am debating whether or not I will do it again. I need to well I guess need is objective. I mean it makes the pain more manageable if i do but. than there's the pain from the injection and seeing the needle afterwards and. . oh it made my stomach turn earlier when i did it. I don't know how nurses do it. The neuro gave them to me yesterday. He made me lay down, he knows I'm squimish with needles. I'm actually ok with the side effects once the meds are in my blood stream. the weight and tightness of my chest the throat feeling like it's closing in . . I can handle that.. I know it's working when I feel that start. I concentrate on my breathing in and out for a few minutes and I'm fine. But why oh why do I have to give myself the damn injections. ggrr

5 years ago or what I like to call ancient history

2008-05-28T00:53:57Z

I read my old journal entries last night from the really dark part of my life. I mean the really dark part. The days I couldn't stop crying. The days I couldn't imagine my life without talking to him, without being with him. There was so much drama around that part of my life. The days I couldn't breathe without a tear rolling down my cheek.

I can't imagine being my then roommate or any of you that kept reading. After reading half of it I had to stop and come back the next day. I can understand how frustrating it was for everyone that was reading it. I'm definitely one of those people that has to learn on her own. I would say I have a bit of a stubborn streak in regards to that.

I'm finally happy being alone. I spent the long weekend reading and watching movies and just being around my apartment. I was so at ease and happy. Yes part of me was jealous of the cookouts and things but at the same time it was nice to just be at home doing nothing and enjoying that. I have a tentative date tomorrow and I honestly don't want to go. I am crazy I realize this. He's some sort of engineer with light. . yeah I didn't really understand it. He seems like a really great guy. I'm just not sure I want to be dating. Yes I know I'm not getting any younger and all that fun stuff people keep insinuating to me. I'm not that old and I will find him eventually. Yes even if I'm not actively looking. I've had my profile on yahoo for a while I took it off put it back up. I can't decide if I want to leave it up or not. No one on there save the guy with the pending date tomorrow is even worth my time. That's what makes me think I'm ok with this whole being alone.

I wrote in earlier entries about finding a career and why I'm not so career driven. Well I wouldn't call it a career but it's got benefits, a retirement plan and some great paid days off. Oh and did I mention my boss and I get along like we are long lost brother and sister. Hell all of the guys and I get along really well. They tease me about the glasses and the outfits and about my dating but never ever criticize my work. Or question why I'm there. Truth be told I'm waiting for T to retire. She will and when she does I'm getting her position. Yes I really like the people that much.

I love where I live. Mostly Roanoke not exactly my current apartment. I mean it's great for now. I have my own porch with a rocking chair like the ones at Hollins. No I didn't steal it. It's not green and it's a little smaller but I can still sit here and rock and think. It's almost as magical as the porch of Main. Almost. My current place is painted by the previous owner in all these great bright colors. My bedroom is huge. I have my own living room and kitchen. Some of my previous apartments that I had by myself weren't this great.

I love my car. It's not the Olds. That got traded in . . one too many accidents the last one was serious enough for me to end up in the ER. Anyway. It's a great car and I'm able to afford it without having to worry and skip meals to pay for it. That's the other thing. I'm doing really well financially. I mean I'm not rich by any means but I've started spending less and saving more. I mean I can finally say I don't NEED a part time job to pay my bills.

I'm honestly happy. I was going to run away for this weekend. It's reunion (which if anyone is reading this and attending I'm not attending but if you have any free time and want to hang out just let me know). I don't have a great career, a house, a husband. . or even a boyfriend but I'm ok with that. Now if I could only be ok with my body and get my self confidence back. I would be set. It's taken me a few years to get things straight and settled but I feel like I finally made it. It feels strange to even say it.

lynchburglmnade @ 2008-05-04T20:30:00

2008-05-05T00:43:22Z

I spent most of this weekend in my apartment doing pretty much nothing. . well I played hours of mahjong and read for the good part of most of each morning, finishing two books. Yet I still feel sad. It's not a sad I've been able to shake. I'm going to have to go to the dr soon. It's back and it's out of control. I mean.. . i'm not going to do anything crazy but i'm overwhelmed by the urge to sit and watch mindnumbing tv so my brain stops making me feel all weepy and empty and sad and alone. I mean yes I'm alone now but I chose that. Gymrat wasn't the right one and I knew it. Or maybe he is in another five years or so. Part of me wants to be part of a relationship and part of me doesn't. There was times this weekend where I was glad I could lay in bed and read or just sit and watch whatever mindnumbing movie or tv show I managed to find on my measly 12 channel selection. More often than not though I was sad that my phone didn't ring, that no one texted me, that no one tried to contact me. I guess I do have myself to blame. I didn't make time for friends especially not the last several years. My priority was to work work WORK to get back into financial stability. I'm here now and ya know it's damn lonely. I'm seriously thinking about getting a job again at JCP just so i'm not sitting here just so i don't have to go back on the meds. hell if i'm working all the time not much time to sit and dwell on the depression that it seems I will truly never beat. I'm tired of fighting. I'm also so incredibly tired of being alone. not so much without a guy but without friends. I'm tired of hearing about all the friends i thought i had in college that don't bother with me anymore but keep in touch with each other. Am I that horrible of a person? I mean I'm trying now and I feel like I keep getting rejected. maybe that's part of the problem. . who knows?

my thoughts

2008-04-28T23:28:15Z

the familiar face
blue eyes that mirror my own
that smilin' eyes
that oh so familiar look
his skin so soft
the cologne mixing with his body wash
his scent smelled like safety
and home and all that I want for my future
the smoothness of his face
the twinkle in his eyes
was he a dream?
is he real?
will he ever change or
will he forever remain
a womanizer?

lynchburglmnade @ 2007-04-30T22:36:00

2007-05-01T02:43:59Z

I think I might actually like Turbo Jam. I have been doing it for a week now. Not really seeing any results but I am feeling better. I was hesitant to say I liked it because i am afraid i'll fall off the wagon so to speak or get tired of it. I am still not doing it that well but I am trying. I might start dieting more seriously. I am eating healthier. I need to go to sleep now so I can get up and do a turbo jam before i go to work.

lynchburglmnade @ 2007-04-29T18:49:00

2007-04-29T23:07:34Z

I am having a hard day. Citadel will be busy next weekend and probably won't get to see me. He is in serious pain and being a marine doesn't believe in taking pain killers. I saw him wince a few times while we were out and about and I saw him wince numerous times throughout the night. He doesn't want to go to the doctor's because he doesn't want to recycle into the next class. While I can understand that, I think he needs medical help. I am pretty sure it's at least a bruised rib if not more. Anyway on to the topic that brought me here. . .

Would you stay with someone that you knew was cheating? No Citadel isn't cheating on me. It's my roommate situation. I should not have moved in with her. I am so unhappy about my living situation it's not what I want. She created a fake profile on a dating website and got her supposed boyfriend to respond to the fake woman. The fake woman arranged a date with him. The roommate shows up confronts him. Gives him the email correspondences. She comes home crying and upset. I attempt to comfort her. Decide to go for a drive on the parkway when really I just want to bum around the apartment feeling sad for myself. . . . and now she's going out to dinner with the fucking asshole!! I am so over this whole fucking thing. He walks into our apartment without knocking. he uses our fridge like it's his. .Yeah I'm angry. . can ya tell?

I unfortunately think this mess is only going to get worse once my roommate's kid moves into the apartment. I need to stop thinking/talking about this. Blah.

lynchburglmnade @ 2007-04-16T22:21:00

2007-04-17T02:33:14Z

I hate what this world is coming to. I am disgusted by the media. Why does that obnoxious anchor Nancy Grace get to rip apart a campus community that can't just shut down like Hollins could. Why does she get to rip apart the law enforcement officers that were short staffed? I know for a fact the campus police only had seven people available to respond. So that means the call had to go out to area law enforcement agencies for help. I know the agents I work with got a call from the Blacksburg agent and were on the road within five minutes- granted the office is at least 30 minutes away. I noticed the one of the many channels that were carrying the story that even Botetourt County sheriff's officers arrived on scene to help.

I think it's unfortunate that the media continues to rip the VA Tech police and the University Administration.

I will probably write more tomorrow if I get the time.

lynchburglmnade @ 2006-07-21T23:05:00

2006-07-22T03:08:07Z

Ok so I was going to post but got caught up in making comments and now really need to go to bed because I have a nine hour day tomorrow in retail hell. By the way I am considered Jeans Bitch. well that's my title. . it's actually "just jeans girl." It's something to pass the time until tax season rolls back around though so I won't complain too much. Hopefully I'll post more tomorrow.

lynchburglmnade @ 2006-03-28T20:08:00

2006-03-29T01:14:18Z

I'm going to get hurt. I know this. I am resigned to this. I will bounce back like always. I hope the fall isn't as hard as the last one.

On a completely separate note I had a day from hell. One thing after another after another kept going wrong. I am about to go to bed. Let's hope nothing else happens.

lynchburglmnade @ 2006-02-01T18:20:00

2006-02-02T23:21:45Z

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart
Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome
Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand
And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

What City Do You Belong In?

I've never been there. That's interesting

lynchburglmnade @ 2006-01-24T19:36:00

2006-01-25T00:50:41Z

Ok so the homicide victim. He was beaten to death. From what I read in the newspaper it appears that it was a bloody crime scene. I realized something today well actually I think I have been realizing it for a while. Something I have been ignoring since I was in high school. I did the Briggs Myers test or Myers Briggs which ever. Criminal Justice. That what I all the tests kept saying. I've taken those tests on several occassions. I believe a few times in college. All said criminal justice. One of the agents has been investigating an interesting case. I listen and watch it unravel and I'm jealous. I want to be doing that. I don't want to be a patrol police officer though. I ideally would rarely have to point my gun at someone. Another reason the office i'm working in is perfect. Yes all the agents carry guns which is getting me comfortable being around them but they rarely use them. I need to go study. I was supposed to be doing that for a while but my mind keeps wandering. I don't even know why I'm writing in here.

Homicide and irrational thinking

2006-01-21T13:36:24Z

I cut my finger last night. As I was sitting there watching it bleed before I started to move my first thought was "This is why you don't live alone. If you're not careful you could make yourself pass out and who would find you? who would even realize you were missing before Monday?"

Now while I realize this may seem a bit irrational after all it was just a cut; it was a pretty deep cut. I also have a very weak stomach. Also, there was a homicide recent two blocks away from where I live. They haven't found the guy. No motive has been mentioned. It appears fairly random. Maybe I'm just attempting to freak myself out. The victim was a 40 year old mentally handicap man. His mom realized that something was wrong when she didn't receive her daily phone call at 8:00am the next morning.

My finger this morning is still throbbing. It has now bled through well almost bled through the second bandaid. I may go purchase some dermabond.

I think part of this thinking has to do with the fact that one of my friends- one that I considered a very close friend- ended our friendship over text messaging. She's blaming me. I'm not the one that stood up a friend though. Chicks before Dicks doesn't seem to apply in the real world. So now my friends in the area have dwindled to 1 maybe 2. Meeting friends as an adult is so difficult. I'm getting ready to sign a year long lease for a one bedroom apartment. It's tiny but I can afford it. I won't be able to go out buying a ton of things which is also good. I will save money for when I'm finally ready to move out of VA.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-12-24T09:19:00

2005-12-24T14:20:46Z

American Cities That Best Fit You:

80% Miami

75% Austin

75% San Diego

70% Atlanta

70% Honolulu

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Ok so maybe his ex and I had a lot more in common than we thought. I still don't think Miami will be my next big move but a city in Florida is a possiblity.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-11-21T18:29:00

2005-11-21T23:43:42Z

Ok so I haven't posted in a while. I have set a few goals for myself in my attempt to get over Kunle and that whole situation and to better myself.

Goals:
Move out on my own by March.
Be financially secure in two to three years.
Move out of state for a couple of years.
Get set in my career.

Please note none of these involve getting married or having a family. I have learned it takes two. I am not in a position to plan for those things. . not yet anyway.

There is a guy I am hoping to meet tonight. We have been talking on the phone every night until late for the past week. He's a great guy, has a ton going for him. We'll see.

I only have another day and a half of work. for the week. I love the HOLIDAYS!!

Oh so for my birthday present to myself: I had to deal with rats running under my car while I was at work. Thank goodness they didn't weren't under there when I went out. An agent made sure of that for me. I smashed my pinky between the brick wall of the house and the damn mini trash dumpsters. Yeah needless to say I thought it was broken, my parents thought it was broken. I was finally able to bend it last night so it is not broken.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-11-10T13:00:00

2005-11-10T18:01:23Z

Your Birthdate: November 18

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause.
You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too.
Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others.
You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress.

Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years

Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities

Your power color: Crimson red

Your power symbol: Snowflake

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Thought this was cute.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-11-04T19:29:00

2005-11-05T00:31:51Z

Wow! I was going to update but that will have to wait until later. Maybe this weekend I'll figure out how to get a picture next to my name. I have several rolls of film I need to develop from the parkway. I love fall! I have Veteran's day off. Yay for state holidays. Boo for not getting paid for them. Maybe i'll get the job with the state. Not that I really want to stay there the rest of my life but the guys are fun. A few remind me of my brother which is good because I don't get to see him or spend anywhere near enough time with him.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-10-26T20:29:00

2005-10-27T00:52:00Z

This evening was a big day for me. I removed him from my friends list. I think that about does it. . oh except for the fucking baseball bats i still have. . but that will be getting resolved pretty soon.

I'm not really angry anymore. I think the hurt will go away. I'm talking to a guy. He's cute. He's a teacher in a nearby county. I am making every effort possible to move on. I haven't cried about it in a while. I can think about the memories and not cry. get sad yes cry nope not me not anymore. I really do miss you all. I was hoping to make it up north for veterans day but that will have to be put off. . maybe in the spring.

I want to discuss civil rights, the internet and law enforcement but that will have to be done another time as I am still employed by them and will get in major hot water if I make any comments.

My car is back and it's back to normal. I'm loving it . . of course who wouldn't love a shiny new red car. I'm just waiting for by license plates to get here. Guess what they are?

I think I'll leave ya'll hanging. I'll update in a few days and let you know what they are. and no fair if you read my away message a week or two ago. :-p

oh a sidenote . .i've decided to eventually leave roanoke. Hopefully within two years I'll be out of here. . probably out of the state. .I might go work for a great uncle. more to come on that later.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-10-17T21:49:00

2005-10-18T01:59:19Z

So I know I said I was going to update more this evening. I should be going to bed but I need to do this.

Here's a list of things, negative things that have either involved my life or touched my life in some manner.

Heartbroken
Cousin Dies
Car Accident
Ernesto dies
Switched jobs
Had to stop relying on a really close friend for support.

All of this in a month. and yet I am still managing to smile through the tears. My grandmother is going in for surgery tomorrow. I have two exams in the next two days. I just have to make it through the next two days. I want to be numb. I really do. I have the memorial service. . probably this weekend to attend. The current car I have is burning oil and something is wrong with the brakes.

I don't want to be resilient anymore. Can't I just give up? Really How much more am I supposed to take?

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-10-17T13:14:00

2005-10-17T17:16:02Z

Ernesto died on Friday. I found out this morning. He's the coworker that was diagnosed with cancer about six months ago or so. He lived longer than they expected. I can't take very much more. And of course I have to go back to work now. I'll write more later

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-10-14T18:46:00

2005-10-15T00:12:54Z

So many revelations this week. I get why I'm single now. Well maybe I just understand more why so many of my phone calls didn't get returned and why when I would become clingy. He would become more elusive. I had to blow a guy off because he had become clingy. 4 phone calls in 3 hours. just too much. I'm absolutely exhausted and it's not even 9 on a friday evening. I am so going to bed tonight in the next few minutes. I'll have to write more later.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-10-11T17:24:00

2005-10-11T21:50:08Z

I was in a car accident today. I have only myself to blame as I am the one at fault. The cop was nice. The other car has minimal damage. A puncture in her bumper and that's it. My car, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I can't get the hood to open. My license plate along with part of the frame is in the floorboard of the front passenger seat.

I had an awful date last night. It wasn't really awful just . . well let's say I won't be going out with him again. He was ugly. He was arrogant. He was a state trooper. He also tried for most of the evening to a)get me drunk and b) get me to sleep with him. I was not pleased. As much as I tried not to compare him to my last one I couldn't help it. He was tall but not model quality. Blah. No more talking of him.

I will be doing a major no no and skipping class tonight. I have a migraine and my body hurts from this morning.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-10-05T20:11:00

2005-10-06T00:47:16Z

Haven't written in a while. A ton of things have changed. I will be starting a new job tomorrow. Completely closing a really large chapter of my life. I have moved on to phase 2 of my life after college.

I've officially had my heart broken. I'm using it as a learning experience. I'm relieved it happened to me when I was older. I wish it never had to happen but it did. I can't say that I have learned not to fall in love, not to care deeply about someone. I'm sure when I do fall in love again it will be just as hard.

I'm still struggling with all the memories I have from it. I start crying at random times because the memories overwhelm me. I wish I could spend some quality time with you all. I really could use it. I want to go and sit on the porch of main again and just rock. Maybe even smoke a cigarette and just be.

I love you all.

I'm enrolled in classes again. I haven't decided if i should get another bachelor's or get a masters. I'm taking them at the community college. Anyway I am hoping to be able to travel more but I won't be getting any vacation time for a while so it will have to be extended weekends.

lynchburglmnade @ 2005-09-13T08:06:00

2005-09-13T12:10:32Z

So my cousin died on Sunday night. His name was David. He was 21-22 and died of a heart attack. My brother is the same age. My brother has the same heart condition David had. David's youngest sister is a mom. The father of her child died on Saturday night. Katie's not doing so well. Neither is my uncle.

Why do people ask "were you close to them?" when you tell people someone died. Does it matter if you were close to them? They are a family member. No I wasn't close to my cousin but I was close to my uncle. I won't be able to go to the funeral because I can't afford the plane ticket. My dad is flying out of Dulles on Wednesday and returning on Friday.

Please pray for my uncle and his kids. I can't imagine losing my brother.